Mavervorl Media has evolved since 1997, when it began as a simple software, web design, and networking consultancy for New England theatres. It gradually grew a production arm for no better reason than business cards had been printed. Upon relocating to Los Angeles, co-founder Marty Barrett added a content component, and now Mavervorl Media supplies 95 percent of the information you read on the Internet [citation needed], and is a driving force behind various theatrical and musical spectaculars, such as “All That Jaws” and Fogelfoot, while continuing to provide web-based communication and efficiency solutions to the entertainment industry.
Here is a brief chronology of our work:
10,000,000,000 B.C.E. – Born, raised by retroplankton. Carefree childhood amongst viscous ooze, jelly.
10,000,000,000 B.C.E. (a few months later) – Born again, but you sure didn’t hear me ramming it down anyone’s throat at 8 on a Saturday morning on their front porch while they were still hung over and thought someone important was at the door, like the cops, for example.
8500 – Asked a teenage Pebbles what she did to Bam-Bam that he didn’t seem to have his youthful strength anymore. WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM, PEBBLES?
5100 – Day trips to Mu.
4236 – Invented Egypt. Painted Susanna Hoffs on pyramids. The plural of Sphinx is sphinges, though the plural of lynx is lynxes. The Bangles were only OK, and Manic Monday was a stupid song. Civilization perseveres. Epilogue, 2001: the webmaster of a German Bangles fansite e-mails to call us a “fuck asshole.”
4099 – First Nobel Prize in Dairy awarded for my ingenious Anti-Hittite Projectile Cheese.
2000 – Instituted European Skank Age. How quickly these achievements are forgotten. Brief Skank Renaissance during July of 2002 A.D.
1250 – Opened Ready-for-Worship calves emporia along Red Sea.
753 – Founded Rome with Romulus and Remus. Changed name to Rasmus. Leveled eighth Roman hill, the Econoline, for low-cost parking.
33 A.D. – Fell out with J.C. Almighty over trans-substantiation: if He can turn water into wine, why can’t I turn soy products into wholesome and zesty snacks that don’t taste like crap?
376 – Officiated at Arthur’s marriage to the Land. Prenuptial agreement included extensive riparian rights and towels.
551 – Invented cultural practice of mistaking song lyrics for incongruous phrases, such as ‘Pulling Muscles for Michelle’
776 A.D. – Won laurel wreath in first Olympics, having slain 32 Minotaurs with a single flake of spanikopita. Icarus falls from sky onto discus medalist. Cries “Why me?”
874 – In Iceland, warned Leif Ericson of the advent of Leif Garrett. Doomed to repeat history.
1096 – Organized Kittens for Christ Crusade. Thousands of beatific kittens catapult to their deaths against the walls of Jerusalem. Thump cutely to gravel.
1351 – Presented blue ribbon to Pope Clement VI for presiding over biggest continental Plague toll. 25 million!
1492 – Us: Tin soldiers and Nixon’s coming. Columbus: Check out this bitchin’ syphilis!
1607 – Begin comprehensive game of Hide And Seek with Jamestown Colony.
1588 – Convinced Spain that an origami armada was the will of God.
1734-5 – Invented White Trash. Won medal. Bronzed it. Pawned it. Bought Camaro. Wrecked it while coked up on ethanol. Moved in with father’s girlfriend.
1803 – Successfully argued against Jefferson’s ploy to name Louisiana Territory “Weazy”. Appointed Mr. Bentley Ambassador to the Court of St. James. Scandals follow when large sevens are painted on Big Ben. Bentley beheaded.
1849 – Discovered gold in California – Box office gold, that is – cats on bikes!
1869 – Drove Golden Spike right through my eye; railroads diverted during painful irrigation.
1922 – Caused Teapot Dome scandal and patented wealthy-southern-business-interests-purchasing-presidential-favor model
1929 – Great Depression provides emotional model for most of our significant others. That era was so hot.
1937 – Partying with Witch King of Angmar at the Barrow Downs when Tolkien nips by for another cup of sugar. Hide Rings up Bombadil. Co-star in Ringwraith porn classic “In the Darkness Bind Me.” Follow up: “It’s Not Just All My Will That’s Bent On It.”
1945 – Divide Berlin inequally, forgetting Lao Tzu’s famous question: Who gets Falco?
1945-1961 – A jubilant postwar America heeds my advice to “Go Fuck Yourselves.”
1969 – Q. Where were you in ‘69? A. Smokin’ dope and drinkin’ wine – like an outlaw.
1971 – Supplied the lyric “James Dean” for David Essex’s “Rock On.” Nobel Prize committee does the safe thing and awards prize to Mama’s Boy Neruda. Weep silently on a chartered fjord, inspiring Quadrophenia.
1979 – Am present at the zenith of Supertramp. Supertramp: Don’t you look at my girlfriend. Me: Girlfriend? Supertramp: She’s the only one I got.
1997 – Mavervorl Media founded in Cambridge, MA. World ends.
2000 – Mavervorl Media expands to Los Angeles. World ends.
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