FROM:BARRISTER SUBERU SHUABU.(ESQ)
ODIBOH JOHNSON LAW FIRM.
ATTORNEYS/LEGAL PRACTITIONER.
NIGERIA.
DEAR SIR,
COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON. GRACE AND PEACE AND LOVE FROM THIS PART OF THE ATLANTIC
TO YOU. I HOPE MY LETTER DOES NOT CAUSE YOU TOO MUCH EMBARRASSMENT AS I WRITE
TO YOU IN GOOD FAITH BASED ON THE CONTACT ADDRESS GIVEN TO ME BY A FRIEND WHO
WORKS AT THE NIGERIAN EMBASSY IN YOUR COUNTRY. PLEASE EXCUSE MY INTRUSION INTO
YOUR PRIVATE LIFE.
I am not bothered by your intrusion at all, sir. I feel that any e-mail that makes it through Pacific Bell's vaunted firewall and and spam filters must be worth reading. In fact, if you were to break into my home and nostril-rape my cockatiel, I would go out and buy you a cockatiel of equal or lesser value just for your canniness and nerve in making it past my elaborate security system, which our Attorney General designed himself after he was beaten in the Missouri Senate race by a dead person.
I AM BARRISTER SUBERU SHUABU,
That's trippy. I feel so good if I just say the word Su-su-suberu Shuabu. Can I get a flavor shot with that, or will it make me sterile?
I REPRESENT MOHAMMED ABACHA, SON OF THE LATE GEN. SANI ABACHA, WHO WAS THE FORMER MILITARY HEAD OF STATE IN NIGERIA. HE DIED IN 1998. SINCE HIS DEATH, THE FAMILY HAS BEEN LOSING A LOT OF MONEY DUE TO VINDICTIVE GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS WHO ARE BENT ON DEALING WITH THE FAMILY.
Yes. I believe I saw this featured in E!'s "Bent On" Nigeria. Phil Collins himself prophesied, "Abacha isn't anywhere."
BASED ON THIS THEREFORE, THE FAMILY HAS ASKED ME TO SEEK FOR A FOREIGN PARTNER WHO CAN WORK WITH US AS TO MOVE OUT THE TOTAL SUM OF US$75,000,000.00 ( SEVENTY FIVE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ), PRESENTLY IN THEIR POSSESSION. THIS MONEY WAS OF COURSE, ACQUIRED BY THE LATE PRESIDENT AND IS NOW KEPT SECRETLY BY THE FAMILY.
Wait a minute. Was General Sani Abacha the former military head of state or the President? By the "of course", are you tacitly admitting that Nigerian heads of state are frauds and swindlers? Also, please tell me if the $75m is being kept up anyone's ass. I have some Japanese friends who would pay big for photos. As Genesis says, "It's no fun having 80 million up the bum."
THE SWISS GOVERNMENT HAS ALREADY FROZEN ALL THE ACCOUNTS OF THE FAMILY IN SWITZERLAND, AND SOME OTHER COUNTRIES WOULD SOON FOLLOW TO DO THE SAME. THIS BID BY SOME GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS TO DEAL WITH THIS FAMILY HAS MADE IT NECESSARY THAT WE SEEK YOUR ASSISITANCE IN RECEIVING THIS MONEY AND IN INVESTING IT ON BEHALF OF THE FAMILY. THIS MUST BE A JOINT VENTURE TRANSACTION AND WE MUST ALL WORK TOGETHER. SINCE THIS MONEY IS STILL CASH, EXTRA SECURITY MEASURES HAVE BEEN TAKEN TO PROTECT IT FROM THEFT OR SEIZURE, PENDING WHEN AGREEMENT IS REACHED ON WHEN AND HOW TO MOVE IT INTO ANY OF YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNTS.
I am with you all the way, Insani. I seem to have an invisible touch, yeah. I am going to invest all the money in Peter Gabriel's WOMAD tour, and perhaps slough a little off to develop my animated version of "Digging in the Dirt (in Space)"
I HAVE PERSONALLY WORKED OUT ALL MODALITIES FOR THE PEACEFUL CONCLUSION OF THIS
TRANSACTION. THE TRANSACTION DEFINITELY WOULD BE HANDLED IN PHASES AND THE FIRST
PHASE WILL INVOLVE THE MOVING OF US$25,000,000.00( TWENTY FIVE MILLION UNITEDSTATES
DOLLARS ). MY CLIENTS ARE WILLING TO GIVE YOU A REASONABLE PERCENTAGE OF THIS
MONEY AS SOON AS THE TRANSACTIONIS CONCLUDED. I WILL, HOWEVER, BASED ON THE
GROUNDS THAT YOU ARE WILLING TO WORK WITH US AND ALSO ALL CONTENTIOUS ISSUES
DISCUSSED BEFORE THE COMMENCEMENT OF THIS TRANSACTION. YOU MAY ALSO DISCUSS
YOUR PERCENTAGE BEFORE WE START TO WORK. AS SOON AS I HEAR FROM YOU, I WILL
GIVE YOU ALL NECESSARY DETAILS AS TO HOW WE INTEND TO CARRY OUT THE WHOLE TRANSACTION.
Thanks, but your concern is groundless as a really good coffeemaker. I only require 99 percent of all monies, as I know that you Nigerians are all doctors and lawyers and royalty anyway. Plus, how many dashikis can you own? I saw The Color Purple so I know what I'm talking about. Isn't Whoopi Goldberg funny? She always calls us Americans "honeychile" and tells us how outrageous she is. And that Danny Glover. "I'm gettin' too old for this!" Ha ha HA! And what about Doprah in that movie? "You sho is ugly!" Boy! I would buy her magazine if she just told the truth like she did in The Color Purple!!! Know what was weird, though? Everyone in that film was black, yet they called it The Color Purple.That is not truth in advertising. Color Me Badd was truth in advertising. I Wanna Sexx You Up! Hooooeeee! Take me down to the soundtrack of New Jack City where the grass is green and the Mario Van Peebles!!!
PLEASE, DO NOT ENTERTAIN ANY FEARS,AS ALL NECESSARY MODALITIES ARE IN PLACE, AND I ASSURE YOU OF ALL SUCCESS AND SAFETY IN THIS TRANSACTION. PLEASE, THIS TRANSACTION REQUIRES ABSOLUTE CONFIDENTIALITY AND YOU WOULD BE EXPECTED TO TREAT IT AS SUCH UNTIL THE FUNDS ARE MOVED OUT OF THIS COUNTRY.
Again, don't worry. The last time I entertained Fears their littlest one, Alex, wet my rug. John Fear then said that the stain would come out, and the whole family left. Well OF COURSE the stain didn't come out and the Fears will not darken my doorstep again. I will keep this very confidential. I know that my name was given to you by a close associate of the Nigerian government, and I have such respect for people who send me unsolicited e-mail - like the lady who told me that a man with 5'-6" hammer is simply not as well-equipped as a man with an 8" hammer - and I was like, Lady, I've got a 14" hammer with a claw at one end and I just hung a plant with it!
PLEASE, YOU WILL ALSO IGNORE THIS LETTER AND RESPECT OUR TRUST IN YOU BY NOT
EXPOSING THIS TRANSACTION, EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED.
LOOK FORWARD TO WORKING WITH YOU.THANK YOU.
TRULY YOURS,
BARRISTER SUBERU SHUABU ESQ.
N/B.PLEASE, ENDEAVOUR TO MAKE ALL CORRESPONDENCE THROUGH MY CONFIDENTIAL E-MAIL
ADDRESS,ebhoda88@yahoo.com
I will endeavour, atlantis, and enterprise to keep all mail confidential, Escape from Sobibor, but I might not be throttle up to the challenger.
Marty
Barrett