Dear Mr. Otumba,

Thank you very much for contacting me. I am intrigued with your offer of an urgent business relationship. I haven't had an urgent business relationship since the mens' room at Kinko's was locked from the inside and I was forced to relieve myself onto some goldenrod cardstock. I still grow nostalgic when I think of the camaraderie inspired by a short supply of toner, when our shift supervisor, Robin, told us to go around and lower everyone's print resolution. You remind me of Robin, Mr. Otumba, in your ability to inspire me. Sometimes Robin made cat sounds when she was nervous or menstruating.

It is with the strictest confidence that I ask you which associate gave you my name. I am concerned because I am currently in strictly confidential negotiations with several other African governments to liberate hard-earned funds and monies. As you are to be a strict ally and business associate, I must needs inform you that the deal you and I will foment can benefit greatly from a plan I am developing with a former government official in Chad - it involves speculating in carjacking futures. This could be very large for all of us, Mr. Otumba. Please send to me the e-mail addresses and phone numbers of Nigeria's government officials so that I may let them in on this plan that will make them million$ working at home.

I am concerned, though, since you are not the first high-ranking Nigerian official to contact me. That honor belongs to Mr. Taiwo Bankole. I responded tp his urgent request about a month ago and he never wrote me back. Please let Mr. Bankole know that I left some Hepatitis on Ikoyi Island and would appreciate it if he got it for me.

That said, Mr. Otumba, let us be partners! I am overjoyed that you have chosen me. A cursory look at the source file of your e-mail reveals that you have solicited a very select group of entepreneurial Americans, limited to people named Marty, Barrett, Marty Barrett, mbarrett, marty_barrett, marty.barrett, or the lucky few who have the @ symbol in their e-mail address, which locally is an emblem of virility. Among the other Marty Barretts is, of course, the MVP of the 1986 World Series. I am sure that famous second baseman would love a portion of the 20% to bring Fenway Franks to his minor league stadium.

As I responded to Mr. Bankole, your colleague, I do not currently have a business. It is because I am a political prisoner in a Womens' Correctional Facility. My crime was that I loved too much. I do, however, have access to a phone whereat I can intimidate weaker women into giving me phone time. These are the aggressive tactics I will bring to our urgent business relationship, Mr. Otumba. So now I will need a small but very necessary advance of monies by which I can purchase wares. As Mr. Bankole's offer was for 25% of the available funds, I suggest you forward me the 5% difference so I can begin developing prospecta while I get my tats removed by Gracie, who has a lucrative internet business selling herbal viagra.

Please send your credit card number with expiration date and full name to me as soon as possible.

Thank you,

Marty Barrett