Dear Mr. Okhah,
This is the second letter I have received from you. In the first letter, dated 1 June, you identified yourself as a doctor. Today’s letter reveals a downgrade of your professional status. This is why I am responding, for I, too, have suffered a similar blow, and I believe that we can truly be equals in our impending business transaction. You see, I was once a doctor, too. Last week I was the Chief of Neurology at a major metropolitan hospital, and now I have been cast down, like an angel from the sight of God, and all for eating one child’s brain.
As a former doctor, even a doctor of Petroleum such as yourself, you can surely understand the appeal of a sweet brain. Even a child of seven from a crack-scarred neighborhood, such as this child was, has hemispheres of remarkable smoothness. It is only when we age and grow in cunning that our brains become furrowed and look like Roy Scheider’s face. This child’s brain was like a marshmallow peanut, and I gobbled it like it would be against the law tomorrow. The problem was, of course, that it was against the law today, and yesterday, too.
That is why your letter appealed to me. Your bid was for $428 million and it was awarded. Then you realized that you’d overbid by $28 million, and determined to split the overage among your seven-man team. Someone in your number, perhaps even Mr. Taiwo Bankole, recommended me to you. You will provide me 20% of $28 million, which is $5.6 million. It just so happens that I need that exact amount of money to cover my legal costs and also buy three Nigerian babies, so that I may eat their brains.
I am impressed with the candor with which you have pleaded your case, and I assure you that I will keep your request in complete confidentiality. As I am now in negotiations with several African states, one delightful by-product of my nascent business ventures is the blossoming cultural education I am receiving. For example, did you know that the 100% legal transaction you are proposing would put you in jail for the rest of your life here in the United States? Unless you’re from Texas? That bit of trivia was almost as illuminating as learning that in Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. I wish I could “turn Japanese” for a minute, so I could get to those toddler brains faster!!!!!!!
There is one more thing we must do, Mr. Okhah. I am a little “light” right now, because the court took away my house, my car, my family, and my savings. Just as your foreign investors furnished Nigerian hospitals with equipments, I am in desperate need of monies, so that I may purchase wares. I may also need to appropriate foodstuffs.
Please forward me $1 million (US) so that we may get this process started. I will, of course, apply this advance to my $5.6 million.
Thank you, and Go Lakers!
Marty Barrett