PRINCE DESMOND OKOTIEBOH
OGONI PALACE
OGONI KINGDOM.
Tel/Fax:
234-1-7596980
Marty Barrett
Claims Relinquishist
Sabado Gigante Gardens
The Underneath
I WISH TO INTRODUCE MYSELF TO YOU. I AM PRINCE DESMOND
OKOTIEBOH. THE NEXT HEIR TO THE THRONE OF THE OIL RICH
KINGDOM OF THE OGONI COMMUNITY.
So youŐre not the heir, but the next heir? What happened to the actual heir?
Myself, I am the heir to the Presidency of the Goonies fan club, but a
backstabbing intrigue may result in the next heir, the foul Spencer, getting to
hang around with Corey Feldman.
I HAVE A HUGE AMOUNT OF MONEY PRESENTLY IN THE PALACE.THE FUNDS
WERE REALISED FROM OIL ROYALTIES THAT WAS PAID TO MY LATE FATHER BY THE
MULTINATIONAL OIL COMPANIES THAT ARE DRILLING OIL IN OUR KINGDOM.
So your father took money for allowing multinational companies to drill oil in your nonexistent kingdom and you have the money in the palace? OK so far, but I live by no ethical code. In America, if our politicians were in bed with oil lobbies then we would have no choice but to not actually elect them. And how does one drill oil? Is that like screwing milk?
DUE TO SOCIAL, POLITICAL ECONOMICAL REASONS THE
PRESENT GOVERNMENT IN POWER IS PERSECUTING OUR KINGDOM
BECAUSE OF OUR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS, SOCIO-POLITICAL
FIGHTS AND OUR AGITATION AGAINST SEIZING OUR LANDS BY
GOVERNMENT.
Let me get this straight: your father was the king and he was collecting the money, but he was not the head of the government? In addition, the actual government is persecuting you for your religious beliefs which include being paid royalties for a natural resource?
AS A RESULT OF OUR KINGDOMS OPPOSITION TO THE PEOPLE
IN POWER, THE FEDERAL ARMY WAS SENT TO OCCUPY OUR
KINGDOM.
So the kingdom of Ogoni is part of a larger country that you have not thought to name? Is this country being swallowed slowly by the darkness issuing out of Mordor by any chance?
MY LATE FATHER THE KING AND OUR COMMUNITY
SPOKESPERSON AND ENVIRONEMNTALIST; AUTHOR KEN SARO
WIWA WAS KILLED IN THE COURSE OF THE ARMY'S BRUTALITY
AND OCCUPATION. CONSEQUENTLY THE COUNCIL OF ELDERS OF
THE KINGDOM HAS AGREED AND DECIDED THAT THESE FUNDS
MUST BE INVESTED ABROAD IN ORDER TO SAFE GUARD THE
FUTURE OF THE OGONI KINGDOM. THE GOVERNMENT DOES NOT
KNOW THAT THIS HUGE AMOUNT OF MONEY IS IN THE PALACE.
ThatŐs wicked cool. Where do I come in? Oh, by the way Đ Ken Saro Wiwa used to get me and my sisters stoned and pretend that he wrote ŇThe SilmarillionÓ when, like, he so didnŐt. I think itŐs great that your kingdom had the presence of mind to have a council of elders, too. ThatŐs why things sucked so bad in LoganŐs Run. There were no elders around. The Council of Elrond was very effective, as well. Were you to have a council of Elrond, you could appoint nine walkers to oppose the nine riders (Nazgul), especially if the stash in your palace includes the One Ring.
I THEREFORE SOLICIT YOUR ASSISTANCE AND COOPERATION IN
ASSISTING US IN GETTING THIS FUND OUT OF THE COUNTRY.
YOUR PERCENTAGE SHARE OF THE FUNDS WILL BE MADE KNOWN
TO YOU AS SOON AS YOU INDICATE YOUR INTEREST TO ASSIST
US.
Is this huge erection indication enough?
YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE, FAX AND MOBILE PHONE NUMBERS
ARE REQUIRED SO THAT I CAN CONTACT YOU IN ORDER TO
ADVISE ON HOW WE ARE GOING TO GET THESE FUNDS OUT OF
THE COUNTRY WITH YOUR COOPERATION.
Yes. ThatŐs the problem. I live in a place in the Valley
here where I get crappy reception of signals of all kinds. It is not helped by
the fact that I am encased in lead and have shaved my testicles.
PLEASE LOOK AT YOUR ASSISTANCE AS A FORM OF HUMANITARIAN SERVICE
TO THEKINGDOM. PLEASE SEND YOUR RESPONSE ON THE RECEIPT OF THIS MAIL. ENDEAVOUR
TO KEEP THIS BUSINESS
CONFIDENTIAL.
I choose instead to look at this like a dog would, with my head cocked slightly to the side, dreaming of rabbits and the strong hands of author Ken Saro Wiwa, your murdered father, Dean Moriarty, and Boo Radley. That is how I choose to think of it, Prince Desmond, and you canŐt stop me, you orphan piece of crap.
Now letŐs get down to business. In order to get a working
phone line, I will require monies, because this place looks like the Desolation
of Smaug. I will also need to acquire equipments, such as a mithril shirt, so
that I might turn the fell blades of Orc smiths and the wrights of the Enemy. I
will require foodstuffs, such as the elfen waybread lembas, and finally I will need finery, like a merkin and a
jerkin, so that I may accept my knighthood on the sward of Osgiliath.
I URGENTLY AWAIT YOUR E-MAIL AT princedesmond1@yahoo.com
HOPE TO MEET YOU SOON.
BEST REGARDS,
PRINCE DESMOND OKOTIEBOH