Sometimes I become terribly, terribly lonely. Don't you? Sure you have hundreds of people around you most of the day and night, catering to your whims, tickling your underchins and walking your dog, but are you truly happy? Of course you're fucking not, you clown.

That's why my heart leapt up when I started receiving letters from Nigerian luminaries, asking ME for help! Me! Out of everyone these former government officials, disgraced royalty, and relatives of former government officials and disgraced royalty could have contacted, they chose ME. Because of MY business acumen! Because the Nigerians know something that up until now only I knew - that I am a freaking GENIUS.

The first letter came in early April. Of course I was happy as a baby owl. I will take you on my African journey.

Webmaster's Note: These are actual letters which came unbidden to my Inbox in the San Fernando Valley. I have not edited or reformatted them. My replies were sent by fax or e-mail to the addresses provided. As yet I have received no responses.

Letter One, 4/6/2002: In Which Taiwo Bankole Makes My Acquaintance

Reply One, 4/15/2002: In Which I Respond with Qualified Enthusiasm

Letter Two, 5/1/2002: In Which Joseph Otumba Reduces the Original Percentage

Reply Two, 5/8/02: In Which I Reveal the Scope of My Market Powers

Letter Three, 6/3/02: In Which the Former Dr. Adams Okhah Illuminates a Quirky Cultural Difference

Reply Three, 6/5/02: In Which I Share an Embarrassing Truth

Letter Four, 6/6/02: In Which A Separate Official from the Nigerian Petroleum Council Tries to Lure Me Away

Reply Four, 6/6/02: In Which I Call for Philanthropy among Thieves

Letter Five, 6/8/02: In Which My Entrepreneurial Fame Travels to Walt Kelly's Togo

Reply Five, 6/11/02: In Which I Say It Loud

Letter AND Reply Six, 6/13/02: In which Edward Okoh brings it all back home to Nigeria

Letter Seven, 6/29/02: In Which Kennedy Asika's Dad Got Murdered, Too

Reply Seven, 7/2/02: In Which I Driggidy-Drop A Sad Pizziece of Scizzience

Letter AND Reply Eight, 7/13/02: In Which Prince Desmond of the Goonies Speaks of Isildur's Bane

Letter AND Reply Nine, 7/29/02: In Which the Lawyer for the Son of the Dead Ruler Wants - oh right - He Wants To Scam Me