Images of devastation and hope in the California earthquake
 The worst thing I experienced during today's 5.8 earthquake in Southern California was the fact that I was filling my car with gas that cost $4.35 a gallon when it happened and I didn't feel it. Two blocks away, my family jumped under the dining room table.
Upon my arrival at my downtown office, however, I was greeted with a scene of devastation the likes of which I haven't seen since the UPS guy opened the door into the mailman two weeks ago (young children might need to leave the room):
- Jack Kerouac's "Book of Haikus" fell off the television.
- A canister of pens fell from a table.
That said, my collection of "Homie" figurines remained upright: representing, straightening their hair, and ironing their t-shirts.
Whatever happens to southern California in God's wrath, rest assured the homies will always be here.Labels: disasters, los angeles, work
How to sell me stolen property
 I work in an office building full of well-heeled and industrious businesspeople. My office, in fact, is the worst-heeled among them. We play the radio loud, we swear, we keep unconventional hours, there's all sorts of characters around.
But years of working for the Man and a natural inclination to avoid conflict have instilled in me a sense of Good Customer Service.
The other day as I was eating lunch a guy in sunglasses walked in to my office suite and started talking. He had a catalog folded open to a page with stereo speakers on it.
"I've got this whole system and I'll give it to you for $290," he said. "This piece, this piece, these pieces ... "
Up until then I thought he was some Hollywood weasel (wearing sunglasses inside) coming to visit my Hollywood weasel-wannabe officemates. But he had some stolen speakers to sell me.
"Hold on a second," I said. "Who are you?"
He said his name was Jim. I asked him for his card.
"I don't have a card," he said, and then uttered the Best Line Ever. "If I had cards, I wouldn't be able to give you such a good deal."
At no time did either of us say out loud that this potential transaction involved stolen property, and it was only in that regard that Jim succeeded as a salesman.
I am not averse to receiving stolen property. As a carnivore, I feel like I receive stolen property every day. Unless the cow, chicken, little baby cow, horse, pig, dog, cat, or Soylent willingly says "Hack me up for meat," I am receiving stolen property in my mouth.
So it wasn't the provenance I was worried about, it was the presentation.
- Knock first. Jim just walked right in.
- Take off your goddamn sunglasses. It didn't work for Corey Hart at night, it won't work for you indoors. I don't care if your pupils are dilated; I need to see them.
- Introduce yourself before you start talking. Even Jehovah's Witnesses introduce themselves before going into their pitch. Even Jehovah's Witnesses.
- Prepare your presentation materials. The best restaurants wheel out the dessert tray. Jim could have hauled the speakers up the elevator and played Dokken (rhymes with "rockin'") down the hall to pique my interest rather than offer up a grimy catalog.
I said, "Sorry, Jim, I can't afford it."
He said, "For you, I'll give them to you for $190 right now, cash."
- Never begin to haggle with the words "For you." Consumers have evolved to the point that they know to disqualify that phrase as a sign of preferential treatment. Instead, they distrust you more. It is like beginning your job interview with "I'm not a racist, but..."
I said, "I can't afford it."
Then he uttered the Second Best Line.
"Well, do you know a Korean guy on the second floor?" he asked. "He said to come by his office when I saw him outside."
"We're in Koreatown," I said.
- Never try to discredit the choices of a potential client, even after you've lost the sale. You think I'll jump to buy your speakers now that you've told me an anonymous Korean is interested?
"OK," he said, and walked out.
- Always thank the customer for his time, whether you've made a sale or not.
That said, what I really need for this office is a refrigerator; all my veal is spoiling.Labels: consumer, customer service, work
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