The true test of my USB broadband connection was when I triumphantly returned to my stomping grounds at Zzyzx Road on the way to this week's Consumer Electronics Show, took a picture, and uploaded it live two minutes thereafter.
The only reason the transfer from camera to Internet was not instantaneous was because I had to fight and disembowel an attacking bear. Then I had to look up the correct spelling of tauntaun so I could make up a joke about using its steaming entrails for heat in the high desert cold and not get it confused with the city on the road to Cape Cod. Then I decided not to use the joke.
This technological breakthrough will seem like nothing when, in three to six months, I will be able to hook a GPS and a T3 connection into my spinal column, but it sure was exciting in these pioneer days.
Another country heard from - Inland Empire edition
I got my wife an iPod Touch (the iPhone without the useless phone) for Christmas. She has so far refused to pick it up, look at it, or even sniff it when I thrust it at her (we're still talking about the iPod).
Here, David Lynch talks about watching movies in a manner signifying the depth of feeling people have about technology.
The iPhone is one of the coolest gadgets I have ever seen, and yet the only thing I can imagine it would be good for is displaying baby pictures.
Just today somebody showed me his iPhone picture of a file cabinet he wanted to put in his office, and last week my friend Jenny showed me pictures of what she cooked for Thanksgiving.
(To be fair, the iPhone also has a built-in ringtone that simulates an analog phone. That's pretty cool.)
The iPhone comes with a high resolution screen that is a logical successor to a wallet full of snapshots. Its built-in camera would be great for taking a picture of your car's position in the mall garage in case you forget. Otherwise, for 400 bucks, what does it do better than anything else?
Since long before June 29 I knew I would be wise to resist a first-generation Apple anything, and when launch day of the Jesus Phone arrived I asked all my friends about it. Most had taken their lumps with Verizon's $175 early termination fee to be the first in line at their respective Apple Stores to buy an iPhone.
Then it slowly dawned on them that they were now AT&T customers and would be talking less to their friends and families from now on.
My friend John bought a 4 GB iPhone late on June 29 because he had to have an iPhone, even though he really wanted the 8 GB version. A week later he went back for the 8 gig model because he had to have that. I used to talk with him more often when he had another cellular service provider, but it's different now.
I called him as he was ascending Laurel Canyon from Sunset Blvd.
"I'm going over the Hill," he said.
"I guess I'll talk to you later," I said, just as his phone cut out.
He came by my office.
"How's the iPhone?" I asked (people with iPhones tend to make excuses to brandish them, and he is a friend, so I saved him the trouble).
"I took some pictures of my new TV" he said.
And you know when you're about to be connected to someone on an iPhone because, just as the phone is ringing, you can hear static on the other end.
Sure you can surf the web and synchronize your calendar and contacts with a Mac, but you could do that just as easily with a less expensive device that has a better type pad. And you are also surfing the web with a tiny window that is only an improvement over those of other handheld, web-enabled devices because the iPhone's is slightly bigger.
I get the feeling that people want this device to be wonderful so much that they forget that it isn't. They bend over backwards to overlook its shortcomings.
Why is love unconditional when it comes to technology but not to human beings?
"You're not one of us," said my friend Wayne.
No removable memory, 8 GB of storage space for music and movies (as opposed to ten or more times that on other iPods), and suffering from lousy phone reception, the iPhone is more "i" than "Phone". And the i isn't even a capital.
Every January I go to the CES and AEE conventions in Las Vegas and I write about them for sundry web and print publications. Each year I resolve to get a device that will allow me to leave my computer in my hotel room and do my web-based work from the show floor. That never works. I've tried smartphones like the Treo but the workarounds take as long as getting a shuttle back to the hotel room.
Then I settle for finding accessible areas where WiFi can be had. Usually press rooms are a long walk from the convention area, but CES in particular had excellent amenities for press last year.
Still, what if I wanted to stay on the floor? To stand right in front of the Toshiba display and file my reports from there?
Once I decided - with real reluctance - that the iPhone was useless (the iPhone Touch, on the other hand, is almost a worthwhile toy. It's like a more expensive Palm Pilot without a camera), I looked for Verizon products (they are my cell carrier and I already pay them enough without dumping an additional $175 for the privilege of leaving them - I feel I understand how people can justify being the victims of spousal abuse now) that sweaty, sullen, goateed Verizon store employees were trained to say would be iPhone Killers.
The LG Voyager looked so good in the catalog that I took time off on my birthday to look at it. It has a keyboard with raised keys, it has not one but two tiny screens but, as opposed to the iPhone's nice OSX browser, had a proprietary and restrictive web browsing system. That the Voyager is posed to look like an iPhone in catalog pictures is pretty misleading.
And neither have word processing programs.
I realized that, like Jeff Lebowski's, my thinking had become uptight. What I was trying to do, Reader, was to make a phone work like a computer, and to cut the phone as much slack as possible, which would be made easier by the phone's other qualities.
But the fact is I want the interface and superior functionality of my computer and I want it to be online all the time. I don't want to pay for Internet at Starbucks or in a hotel room or in an airport, and don't want to be stuck without it anywhere else. And I don't want to try to convince myself that my phone is my computer.
Some day phones will be our computers, with innovative input systems, mass storage, multiple-input recording capability, wireless access to remote servers, high-res media players and projectors, point-to-point purchasing devices, navigation systems, portable smoke detectors, bar code scanners, laser pointers, flashlights, and - why not? - guidance systems for vehicles. they will be personalized and encrypted. People will say that the time of the Apocalypse has arrived, but it will be pretty cool.
So finally I upgraded my simple phone to a slightly sleaker model that will take a better picture of where in the garage my car is, and with removable memory that will allow me to change ringtones without having to pay for songs I already own.
I also bought a broadband USB modem with a data plan. It allows me to get online at a little faster than dialup speeds (no matter what Verizon tells you) and I've only had to reconnect twice in the three hours I've been using it. But that is a workaround I can live with.
My 15" MacBook Pro arrived the other day. It is beautiful. Also, it doesn't have bits of bread in the keyboard.
I haven't noticed the difference in size between it and my 17" PowerBook. In fact, the backlit keyboard and screen are much brighter on my MacBook, and of course the machine is much faster. It will begin slowing down eventually, but I am hoping to get three years out of it. Its smaller size will mean less damage as I carry it around in my Brenthaven bag, which is the most durable thing I own (except for my immortal soul).
I had trouble with the Migration Assistant. Newer Macs greet first-time users with a prompt to transfer files from a variety of sources, including other Macs. There are no warnings about how transfers from PowerPC-based Macs to the new Intel ones will result not only in the failure of most of the PowerPC-compiled applications on the old machine but also native applications of the new computer, too. I had to reinstall the operating system. Luckily, in the last year I've been especially diligent with backups.
Luckily, it was fast, and I could see the keyboard in the dark. It's working fine now, and luckily I have two other fully functional (but much slower) computers to pick up the slack during the transition.
Leopard is a great operating system for machines that can handle it. The cynical part of me (which, according to the latest satellite data, is 78 percent of my body) believes that operating systems are built to choke older computers, forcing users to upgrade their machines.
My recent experiences with Apple products and support have made me less partisan to their cause, and more willing to accept software and hardware solutions from disinterested third parties, like the Unitarians.
Already certain people have begun to turn away. "You're not one of us," one person said when I told him that I thought iPhones were for the weak-minded.
This is how I looked after 16 hours of formatting, installing, reformatting, reinstalling, restoring from backups, and wondering why I didn't choose some other profession.
The solution to my Leopard problem (and it isn't really a solution, but a workaround) was to format my hard drive twice and reinstall twice before the machine behaved with anything close to its normal speed. Each procedure took several hours, and I'm not a better person because of it.
Each time I clicked my mouse to be greeted by a 15-second spinning ball elicited a stifled cry of anguish. I heard myself say, "Why is it doing that?" and thought, "I've become such an end-user."
I'd complain to Apple, but who'd listen?
I try to remain positive and take solace in the fact that I don't work from my garage.
One of the cool things about my office is that I have outlets on the ceiling so, if I want to, I can use power cords to make the place look like the attic in Hellraiser.
I was being detained by TSA operatives at Sea-Tac Airport recently and one of them asked me, probably as a security question, "Are you going to buy Leopard when it comes out?"
"No," I said. My friend Wayne is the person who actually buys software. I just borrow it from him.
Wayne was the one who went to the Apple Store the day the new operating system came out and waited in line. He got a free t-shirt with his $129 DVD. He will never wear the t-shirt.
"What justified this purchase?" I asked Wayne, as if any of his impulse purchases are solid enough to hang justifications on.
"Well, you know how Macintosh Mail doesn't look like it's integrated with the overall pattern of Tiger?" he asked.
"I don't care, but Yes," I said.
"Well now it looks like the rest of the OS," he said.
"Big deal," I said.
"And iChat allows tabbed browsing," he added.
"OK I'll need to install it," I said.
Tabbed browsing was lacking in previous incarnations of iChat. It lets the user handle multiple instant message conversations in the same window, rather than requiring a second screen for numerous chats. To let me talk with multiple people at once I turned to Defaultware's Proteus, which had tabbed browsing but did not have a video component and had a very clunky history viewer. But the tabbed browsing was more important to me.
So last night I installed Leopard. Now my computer (a 1.5 Ghz 2004 PowerBook with 1.5 Gb of memory) runs slower. Also, Photoshop no longer works. I got Leopard for free, so I didn't do my homework.
Leopard does have a more integrated look and some of its base applications, like the backup program Time Machine, are very helpful. It is also nice to use iChat again, though I'd really need an excuse to use video with it. Looking up old conversations is much easier with iChat than with other programs.
The OS-level image viewer Preview is also much improved. For example, until I steal appropriate a Leopard-friendly version of Photoshop, I can now resize photos to specific dimensions in Preview where I couldn't in earlier versions.
But one of my mail programs, Microsoft's Entourage, now crashes on startup and I have to rebuild the database (hence two blog posts in one day because I'm unable to get any of my real work done while I fix my computer).
I will probably find other things to like about Leopard, but the overall effect of Apple's new Operating System, for someone like me who uses his computer all day, is just that it looks different. Its various perks are not worth the slowdown on an older computer, nor are they worth the considerable workaround required to make other applications work.
My only consolation now that I've wasted several hours of my day is that I didn't purchase it.
UPDATE 2 a.m.
Several kernel panics later, I had to format the drive and blast the computer back to the stone age (OSX.3). I am eagerly awaiting my beta tester check from Apple. Luckily I backed everything up.
I purchased Tivoli's iPAL Radio in June, 2004 for about $119 at an Apple Store. According to the International Organization of Archaeologists without Whips, this makes my iPAL the oldest piece of technology in the world, older even than my computer, which now requires regular catheterization and frequently attacks its nurse.
The iPAL is an excellent radio with a full sound belying its size. It has a rechargeable battery pack capable of delivering about ten hours of operation on a three-hour charge, in addition to a DC adapter that allows it to be a perfect speaker for TAARG's computer.
Easily portable but having a pleasing weight of about two pounds, the iPAL is a perfect object to hurl at enemies, and ours has been known to withstand serious impact from terrestrial bipeds and extradimensional Beings.
The same 1/8" jack that provides a computer connection port can also be used for iPods and portable CD players. Our iPAL was integral to the births of our two children; doubtless they would have chosen to remain in utero had there not been music in the room.
A large analog AM/FM tuner keeps precise frequency, aided by a telescoping FM antenna.
Because I am an American Pioneer, I have glued a coaster to the top of the iPAL for my beverages. Another idea might be to glue a striking surface for wooden matches, or a salt lick for deer.
I see that the same iPAL I have is now $199. Friends who have purchased them notice that the price has incrementally increased since I bought mine.
I don't know why this is. I mean, I like it, but this piece of crap isn't worth 200 bucks.
We define ourselves more and more by what we have than what we believe or what we do (unless we are militant vegans, and in that case I say defining oneself by what one has is a good alternative).
Here are some people in line at the Northridge Apple Store, eight hours ahead of the iPhone becoming available and maybe ten hours before their disappointment with it (because they'll have to get it home, get it out of the box, and charge it).
I was surprised to hear that Apple Stores are closing today at 2 or 3 to get ready for the big unveiling at 6 p.m., and will probably darken their windows.
This is very much like the U.K.'s Defence of the Realm Act (DORA), instituted in the early days of World War I, that resulted in rationing, censorship, the curtailing of citizens' right to fly kites, and a restriction on the hours pubs could stay open (in order to keep a healthy workforce).
Apple's Steve Jobs said that he had scheduled the evening launch so people wouldn't skip work.
I felt the need to contribute to the growing collection of Airport Extreme reviews, because what if those other 30,000 websites get busted for sodomy?
On a given day I might have seven computers running in my office, each of which needs an Internet connection. I've got a mixed network of wired and wireless PCs and Macs, all used for constant web-surfing and shared music and video files.
I've got a DSL connection with SBC/Yahoo/AT&T/PacBell/Halliburton. It's clocking at about 2.2 MBps for downloads because I am about 3,000 feet away from a trunk. It is what it is, and I console myself with the other benefits the location offers.
My first wireless hub was Apple's graphite Airport base station, which I bought in 2001 and which is still in use in my sister's house in Washington. I bought the faster Airport Express for my home and hooked it up to a Linksys router. My wife's PC is connected by ethernet to the router, but she uses the Airport Express to play music on the stereo via AirTunes. Meanwhile, I use the Express to connect to the Internet when I bring my computer home.
Because of my satisfaction with Linksys products in the past (I bought them for every company I was the IT Director for), I decided to get the Linksys WRT54GS V. 6 for my office.
This model was like the one I had at home with one difference: it also broadcast wirelessly. So I could connect four wired computers to it and also get on the Internet wirelessly with my laptops. I wouldn't have to buy another Airport Express or another Airport Extreme base station, both of which were more expensive, though cooler looking.
I'd purchased a TV several years ago from Best Buy that had a tracking problem. Best Buy wouldn't take it back, but insisted that I take it to several local repair services, each of which claimed to have fixed it, but didn't. I finally got Sharp to fix it, and they did it quickly and well. I resolved to never buy anything at Best Buy again.
So I got the Linksys WRT54GS at the Best Buy in Los Feliz, took it to the office, and proceeded to hook it up. Linksys tends to provide documentation for its products as if no one uses Macintoshes. This is usually easy to get around, but in this case I was finding that I could not keep two computers on the Internet simultaneously for more than five minutes at a time.
So I called a Linksys operator in the Phillipines and we changed some settings and he was very friendly and we talked about how Magellan brought Christianity to his country and my computers were on the Internet for ten minutes and I was very happy and he said that he hoped Jesus would continue to bless me.
I hung up, wrote a nice letter to Linksys Support about my customer service experience, sent the letter, and then my computers went offline.
I had work to do, so I just plugged my computer back into the DSL modem.
I called Linksys the next day, again was routed to Manila (because I wasn't being routed here), changed a few settings, explained that I was worried I would only be online for another ten minutes after I hung up the phone, upgraded the firmware, and hung up. Once again I lost connectivity after about ten minutes.
I plugged my computer back into the DSL modem and worked that way for a week, then I found my Best Buy receipt and decided I'd give Linksys one more try. This time I got India.
In the past week there was yet another firmware upgrade, so we tried that.
I have been trained to keep my expectations low in most consumer areas, but I was frustrated.
I was calmed, however, by the fact that each support technician already knew my case and didn't waste time going through procedures I'd already tried. Each one tried something different.
The end result was the same, however: the Linksys WRT54GS didn't work. "Your unit is defective," the Linksys representative said.
"No, your unit is defective," I replied.
I went back to Best Buy expecting the worst. I'd already thrown out the box. I didn't bring the supplied ethernet cord or the software back. I know it didn't matter, but I still anticipated a hard time.
"Do you want to exchange this for another one?" the bored kid at the busy Returns desk asked.
"Hells no," I said. He said OK and gave me cash.
The lesson I learned was that I probably should have have demanded to bring my TV back to the store a few years ago and just picked up a replacement or got a refund. I probably didn't do it because the TV (which I still have) weighs 105 lbs. and I had a two-door Saturn at the time.
Anyway, unless it's a DVD or a Monster cable or something - something under $50 - I'm not shopping at Best Buy again. Every larger-ticket item I get there ends up sucking.
So it was the end of February and the new Airport Extreme was out. The big difference between this one and its predecessors is that the new version has three ethernet ports as well as its 802.11n (backwards-compatible to 802.11g) wireless broadcast capability. It also has a USB port into which you can plug a printer or a hard drive and share them across a network.
(I'm wondering if you can plug a powered USB hub into the AE and share both a hard disk and a printer.)
Setup was quick and painless. Wireless speed is slightly slower than wired speed, but even seven machines accessing the web at the same time and sharing files do not amount to a significant slowdown. I'm very satisfied (though it wouldn't have killed Apple to incorporate AirTunes into this new base station; at $180, they could have).
I am feeling a little itchy to get a new computer. I am noticing my 2004 PowerBook slowing down, and that people are attracted to tripping over its power cord. The new MacBook is much faster and has that excellent magnetic Cremaster function with its power cord.
So my router is the newest piece of technology I have in a gently aging network (I also have a pre-video iPod and a 450 MHZ iMac G3). It's like putting a GPS and DVD player in my 1973 Mercury Montego.
The true test of my USB broadband connection was when I triumphantly returned to my stomping grounds at Zzyzx Road on the way to this week's Consumer Electronics Show, took a picture, and uploaded it live two minutes thereafter.
