10,000,000,000 B.C.E. - Born, raised by retroplankton. Carefree childhood amongst viscous ooze, jelly.

10,000,000,000 B.C.E. (a few months later) - Born again, but you sure didn't hear me ramming it down anyone's throat at 8 on a Saturday morning on their front porch while they were still hung over and thought someone important was at the door, like the cops, for example.

8500 - Asked a teenage Pebbles what she did to Bam-Bam that he didn't seem to have his youthful strength anymore. WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM, PEBBLES?

5100 - Day trips to Mu.

4236 - Invented Egypt. Painted Susanna Hoffs on pyramids. The plural of Sphinx is sphinges, though the plural of lynx is lynxes. The Bangles were only OK, and Manic Monday was a stupid song. Civilization perseveres. Epilogue, 2001: the webmaster of a German Bangles fansite e-mails to call me a "fuck asshole."

4099 - First Nobel Prize in Dairy awarded for my ingenious Anti-Hittite Projectile Cheese.

2000 - Instituted European Skank Age. How quickly these achievements are forgotten. Brief Skank Renaissance during July of 1997 A.D.

1250 - Opened Ready-for-Worship calves emporia along Red Sea.

753 - Founded Rome with Romulus and Remus. Changed name to Rasmus. Leveled eighth Roman hill, the Econoline, for low-cost parking.

33 A.D. - Fell out with J.C. Almighty over trans-substantiation: if He can turn water into wine, why can't I turn soy products into wholesome and zesty snacks that don't taste like crap?

376 - Officiated at Arthur's marriage to the Land. Prenuptial agreement included extensive riparian rights and towels.

551 - Invented cultural practice of mistaking song lyrics for incongruous phrases, such as 'Pulling Muscles for Michelle'

776 A.D. - Won laurel wreath in first Olympics, having slain 32 Minotaurs with a single flake of spanikopita. Icarus falls from sky onto discus medalist. Cries "Why me?" in strange baklava-based language.

874 - In Iceland, warned Leif Ericson of the advent of Leif Garrett.

1096 - Organized Kittens for Christ Crusade. Thousands of beatific kittens catapult to their deaths against the walls of Jerusalem.

1351 - Presented blue ribbon to Pope Clement VI for presiding over biggest continental Plague toll. 25 million!

1492 - Me: Tin soldiers and Nixon's coming. Columbus: Check out this bitchin' syphilis!

1607 - Begin comprehensive game of Hide And Seek with Jamestown Colony.

1588 - Convinced Spain that an origami armada was the will of God.

1734-5 - Invented White Trash. Won medal. Bronzed it. Pawned it. Bought Camaro. Wrecked it while coked up on ethanol. Moved in with father's girlfriend.

1803 - Successfully argued against Jefferson's ploy to name Louisiana Territory "Weazy". Appointed Mr. Bentley Ambassador to the Court of St. James. Scandals follow when large sevens are painted on Big Ben. Bentley beheaded.

1848 - Discovered gold in California - Box office gold, that is - cats on bikes!

1869 - Drove Golden Spike right through my eye; railroads diverted during painful irrigation.

1922 - Cause Teapot Dome scandal and patent wealthy-southern-business-interests-purchasing-presidential-favor model

1929 - Great Depression provides lifestyle model for most of my girlfriends. That era was so hot.

1937 - Partying with Witch King of Angmar at the Barrow Downs when Tolkien nips by for another cup of sugar. Hide Rings up Bombadil. Co-star in Ringwraith porn classic "In the Darkness Bind Me". Follow up: "It's Not Just All My Will That's Bent On It."

1945 - Divide Berlin inequally, forgetting Lao Tzu's famous question: Who gets Falco?

1945-1961 - A jubilant postwar America heeds my advice to "Go Fuck Yourselves."

1969 - Q. Where were you in '69? A. Smokin' dope and drinkin' wine - like an outlaw.

1971 - Supplied the lyric "James Dean" for David Essex's "Rock On". Nobel Prize committee does the safe thing and awards prize to Mama's Boy Neruda. Weep silently on a chartered fjiord, inspiring Quadrophenia.

1979 - Am present at the zenith of Supertramp. Supertramp: Don't you look at my girlfriend. Me: Girlfriend? Supertramp: She's the only one I got.

1997 - Began producing regular installments of The Orange Show in Boston, founded Mavervorl Productions.

1998 - Trip to New Mexico, visited Anasazi relatives; Wisdom teeth and others extracted to make room for low-cost housing; A Date with Doctor Funk premieres; trip to Nova Scotia, saw the future of bland food.

1999 - Skies purple. People running everywhere. ATMs begin distributing convenient five dollar bills and then, as quickly, stop. Mavervorl's Space Island appears in July. Revere Beach Skank Project terrifies millions; It's A Wicked Good Life returns for biggest run ever.

2000 - Oscar Night is an occasion of many upsets; Orange Shows reach wailing climax; move to Los Angeles yields chicken, waffles, chicken/waffles, low cost burritos bursting like diapers like a final proof of the existence of God.

2001 - Rainy season in Los Angeles provides time for reflection, despair, snuff film career, Amway recruitment, drunken midnight calls to Richard Crenna/Tova Borgnine. Employment at the periphery of reality television leads to feelings of hydrocephalism. The moral? Never shop at Best Buy. Consider laser vaginal rejuvenation just to be "with it". God: I've got plans for you. Me: Yeah? How's it going so far?

2002 - Was it a car or a cat I saw? A man, a plan, a canal: Panama! Palindromic synergy is achieved as Bob Poop Bob is elected Romor of Flilf. Real Dead written, debuts in Boston, as does Trading Up. The improv force-to-be-reckoned-with GUILTY PLEASURE unleashed at L.A's Acme Theatre. Orange Show reunites in Boston for Christmas shows. Learned to make tuna melts. Now I can join the Peace Corps! Gigs with "The Man Show", "Crank Yankers", Hyperion/Animobile.

2003 - War begins to distract America from my noble hair experiment. Meet, marry, and begin wild adventure with the American actress/writer Rebecca Gray (TAARG). Mavervorl.com discontinued due to carpet-spamming, Martybarrett.net launched, even though MartyBarrett.com is out there, in Colorado, lying fallow in the hands of some guitar string manufacturer? L.A. theatre productions: And the Space Scorpion Goes debuts at Theatre of NOTE, Snowball's Christmas Miracle opens at Sacred Fools. Guilty Pleasure continues run at Acme Theatre, What We Know about Singapore premieres in L.A. and runs in Boston. Narrate radio spoof Ravenhurst. Shamrock acquired at Tom Bergin's Tavern. Late-year Jaws pilgrimage to Martha's Vineyard; hang some paint-happy bastards up by their Buster Browns.

2004 - The American Crib Imp (ACI) Marisol F. Barrett born, Red Sox win World Series for the first time in nine decades immediately thereafter. George Bush elected shortly after that. Consider spanking child for portending mixed messages. Domestic Disturbance premieres in L.A.

2005 - Martybarrett.com acquired after seven years of perseverance and one day of death threats. MartyBarrett.net can go to that goddamn baseball player. "The Best of B.T.O." debuts in L.A. Alter-ego becomes famous.

2006 - Mavervorl Media opens L.A. office.

2007 - "All That Jaws" debuts in L.A.