Los Angeles on three senses a day
 The ring of fire surrounding - but not penetrating - Los Angeles presents familiar sensations, and I have called upon all the descriptive instincts of my profession to translate the feeling of impending doom to people who don't live here.
Tactile
Los Angeles feels like the air is about to catch fire, as if all this dense, warm air needs is someone to light a match.
In that way, Los Angeles is like a crazy ex-girlfriend.
Visual
Los Angeles looks gray, though today's temperature (95 degrees) would suggest a sunny day. I wipe off my glasses before I drive home and am surprised by how much debris has collected on them, and my windshield when I park outside is covered with a thin film.
It's like being in an Irish bar from noon 'til close.
Olfactory
- It smells like the char I would scrape off the grills at the end of my shift at McDonalds when I was 15. Back then, we would throw ice cubes on our grill, and then power-scrape the residue with a special tool. Los Angeles feels like the resulting steam and smells like the resulting sludge.
- It smells like Mexico City and Sao Paulo, Brazil.
- It smells like someone else's burnt microwave popcorn through a dirty vent.
All in all, it still smells better than New York.
Previously: Fire on the mountain; "No chance" of Catalina fire spreading to L.A.; L.A. is burningLabels: fire, los angeles
His victims are always silent
 Long ago I reported that the stupid one, Jonah, had methodically assaulted each of my daughter's toys. This behavior reached a crescendo at one point more than a year ago and then seemed to stop altogether.
Last night it returned, but this time Jonah chose a cushion. He often looks directly at whomever is in the room when he does this, as if to say "You're next."
I am going to throw him out the window.
See also: Jonah's Women
Labels: cat
Rainy season, pt. I
 It rains for a while around Halloween and then, between January and April, rains a little more. Then it stops. I took this picture walking to work, stepping quickly between the hundred or so raindrops that fell. Then I stepped in a dead bird. (Dead bird season is pretty much all year.)Labels: los angeles
Rejected by Space
 Probably because the coffee was free and because the Internet Lounge was very air conditioned, I drank a lot of it to keep warm. But I was also a little punchy, having been given some grave news.
Above the coffee station a TV was playing, and one of the commercials featured this exact quote selling an eat-what-you-want diet program:
"If I wanted pre-packaged meals I would have chosen to be an astronaut." "Really? Do they have fat astronauts?" I asked aloud, and turned to see that much of the waiting room was a little overweight.
"Shut up shut up shut up," I said to myself.
Previously: Ask SpaceLabels: body image, space
Honorable Honda at 31,000
 Today is a big day for my car, seen here when I bought it in April of 2006. Then it had 35 miles on it. Today it has 31,160 more.
The name of my representative at the Honda dealership is Charlie Chan.
I am typing on my ancient PowerBook in the dealership's Internet Lounge when he walks in to tell me that the cost of my 30,000-mile tuneup will be $713.
"Wow," I said. "We just had a child for that much money."
"Ha ha ha," said Charlie Chan.
He explains why everything is necessary and I know that everything is necessary. I put 30,000 miles on that car in 18 months. Still...
He asks me what I do for a living and I tell him I am a writer.
"Did you hear about that writer from New York that Yahoo paid a million dollars to if he could spend it in one day?" he asked.
"No," I said, "but he could probably have spent it all here."
"Ha ha ha," said Charlie Chan.
"Ha ha Ha," I said.
There are not enough free creamers at the coffee station to make me feel better.Labels: commerce, vehicle
In praise of ancient technology: The iPAL
 I purchased Tivoli's iPAL Radio in June, 2004 for about $119 at an Apple Store. According to the International Organization of Archaeologists without Whips, this makes my iPAL the oldest piece of technology in the world, older even than my computer, which now requires regular catheterization and frequently attacks its nurse.
The iPAL is an excellent radio with a full sound belying its size. It has a rechargeable battery pack capable of delivering about ten hours of operation on a three-hour charge, in addition to a DC adapter that allows it to be a perfect speaker for TAARG's computer.
Easily portable but having a pleasing weight of about two pounds, the iPAL is a perfect object to hurl at enemies, and ours has been known to withstand serious impact from terrestrial bipeds and extradimensional Beings.
The same 1/8" jack that provides a computer connection port can also be used for iPods and portable CD players. Our iPAL was integral to the births of our two children; doubtless they would have chosen to remain in utero had there not been music in the room.
A large analog AM/FM tuner keeps precise frequency, aided by a telescoping FM antenna.
Because I am an American Pioneer, I have glued a coaster to the top of the iPAL for my beverages. Another idea might be to glue a striking surface for wooden matches, or a salt lick for deer.
I see that the same iPAL I have is now $199. Friends who have purchased them notice that the price has incrementally increased since I bought mine.
I don't know why this is. I mean, I like it, but this piece of crap isn't worth 200 bucks.
Previously: Airport Extreme Makeover
See also: iPAL pageLabels: apple, commerce, faulty technology
CFSTM: Calvin Harris' "Acceptable in the '80s"
 "...it was acceptable at the time."
See the video here.Labels: CFS
|
about
the editor
the voluptuary
cautionary tales
appropriate images
the mavervorl phenomenon
I only work with the best of 2004's technology.
The
links below may, and often do, contain objectionable material. Go ahead.
Wreck your life.
|
