To kill an antichrist
Matches come in a box, tobacco in a pouch, milk in a carton or bottle. Perhaps the scariest part of "The Omen" is that knives were transported in a towel."State law requires I ask you a couple of questions," the guy said.
Recently I went to have knives sharpened. While hacking at a carcass with heavy, dull blades provides a satisfaction of its own, time is tight and my family needs its food cut with efficiency and precision. And we can't afford lasers.
So there I was, with a cleaver and several other knives wrapped in a dishrag, and the sharpenist was quizzing me.
"Do you now, or have you ever belonged to a religion that demands blood sacrifice?" he said.
"Yes, but only symbolically," I said.
"Do you believe you or a loved one is harboring the AntiChrist?" he said.
"Harboring is a strong word," I said. "But I'm driving by and he's waiting for the bus in the rain, I'm gonna pick him up."
"Do you intend to use these knives for any activity other than meal preparation?" he said.
"No."
"Not even opening boxes?"
"No."
"I had to ask," he said. "The End Times are coming."
So I was not surprised to see my knives returned with instructions.As you know, Ambassador Robert Thorne, who had the misfortune of being the earthly caregiver to the AntiChrist, received the Daggers of Megiddo in similar inappropriate packaging. It's like carrying your golf clubs in an omelette.
"You want me to kill Damien with these?" he asks Bugenhagen. "Preventing the reign of Satan's son is surely worth a Coach bag."
"We give you a coupon later," Bugenhagen says.
Thorne, played by Gregory Peck, also killed Audrey Hepburn by this method in "Roman Holiday."
For centuries, the blade has been the preferred method of slaughter for sons on either side of the theological fence. Commanded by God, Abraham was to sacrifice his son, Isaac, with an axe.
"Sorry it didn't work out," Abraham tells Isaac.
Leonard Cohen uses "The Story of Isaac" as an allegorical war protest. Why "sacrifice these children" when [governments] "never have been tempted by a demon or a god"?
When my son learns to talk, he will doubtless ask me if I would ever run him through with a consecrated kitchen or garden implement on orders from the almighty.
"Jem," I'll say, tousling his hair while checking for Beast-related birthmarks, "My father once told me that I could stab all the AntiChrists I wanted, but it was a sin to kill a mockingbird."
"I love you Dad."
posted
by Marty Barrett at Wednesday, March 18, 2009
2 Comments:
HAHAHAHA! "It's like carrying your golf clubs in an omelette." I'm still laughing. And I had to try to explain why that's funny to Liam. He doesn't get it. But *I* still think you're funny!
"You Can't Kill This"
My my my my
Omen hits me so hard
Makes me say "Oh my Lord"
Thank you for blessing me
with an antichrist made from my seed
Feels good when you know you're down
with the devil himself, gonna give his crown
to Damien and trust
that this is a beast you can't touch.
You can't touch this.
You can't touch this.
Robert Thorne's . . . my name
Daggers of Meggido, that's my game
Gonna stab him . . . for kicks
Because his head says 666
I know you . . . say "Damn"
Doing your son like Abraham
did Isaac . . . but wait
This is what God said before too late
"You can't touch this."
You can't touch this.
Leonard Cohen . . . protest
When Harrison talks he will doubtless
say "Daddy . . . Hey thanks
For never ever giving me the shank."
I'll say, . . . "Aw heck
I ain't going out like Gregory Peck"
I know . . . too much
and this is a sin I can't touch.
- Funkyman
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