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--7.14.2006--

9,999 Maniacs

Former 10,000 Maniacs frontwoman Natalie Merchant was not abducted and set adrift on an ice floe in the Weddell Sea by unreconstructed members of the East German Stasi, a spokesperson said, adding that an alternate headline for an obituary might be "Those Were Days" or "Hey Jack Kerouac: I'm Also Dead".

Merchant is still alive.

Western journalism seeks to manipulate passages of an artist's work when providing headlines for "milestone" stories, such as deaths, divorces, or beheadings, which also might lead to deaths.

Pink Floyd co-founder Syd Barrett's obituary was headed with "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" in several hundred different publications. Were Gordon Lightfoot to perish in a rare Canadian monsoon, his epitaph would surely read "Rainy Day Dead People".

Efforts to infect the Go-Gos with Dengue Fever to justify the headline "Vacation - What They Never Wanted" have been repeatedly thwarted; a spokesperson says the band rarely performs in tropical areas where Dengue-transmitting mosquitoes thrive.

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