Much ado about mutton
Last weekend a group of us ventured to the city of Buena Park, having paid $47.50 each for tickets to a place called Medieval Times. It was one of those things I'm glad I did but hope to never have to do again, like World War II.That area in Orange County is called "Mini Vegas" because it has a lot of theme and chain restaurants (a Pirate-themed place was the next parking lot over, and Knott's Berry Farm was down the street). We waited in line with OC bachelorette parties and families much younger but bigger than ours.
We had been told to arrive at 6:45. As usual, we were late. Everyone was actually seated at about 8:30 but was encouraged/made to stand around a bar area where two Black-and-Tans cost $29, photographs with high school kids in jerkins cost $10, and a visit to the Torture Museum could be had for two bucks. The object was to make people buy more stupid stuff, and the whole "Be Here Early" procedure served only this purpose.
Once all thousand or so of us were seated in a huge arena with a dirt enclosure in the middle, things got a little better. Each of us was served chicken, a potato, a rib, and some soup. People who drank beer were given two free refills, as were those of us who drank Pepsi. Cocktails were, of course, extra. In this way Medieval Times was like commercial air travel.
The enclosure filled with dry ice and what followed was a 90-minute show featuring several jousts on real horses, well-choreographed fights, a real raven, and a story involving treachery. Each section of the crowd was represented by a knight who had his own theme music and who was supposed to telegraph certain virtues. I think that as the show has evolved over its 30-year history and several locations, extra knights have been added so their personalities have been diluted.
When I was 18 and lived in Boston, I was hired for a very short time by this place called the Medieval Manor (they let me go when they realized I was too young at that time to serve alcohol). This was a small place with a very campy theme. There was a king who would hold court and make the guests do outrageous things. There were bawdie wenches with lots of cleavage. I was to be Sir Loin. All the staff were Boston actors and I think each of us would have made $70 a night, which would have been big money for me at that time.
Anyway, that's the sort of place I thought I would be attending. When I heard there were to be horses at Medieval Times, I thought the show was going to be the same, but with horses.
But it wasn't. Since there was no humor in the script, I settled in for what I thought might be something accurate. But it was irresponsible. A wizard mentioned consulting the Oracle. No one died of plague. No one lived in fear of the Roman Catholic Church. There was no mutton and no mead. Grendel's mom was not there. The show wasn't funny.
As we filed out, a DJ spun karaoke songs for a bunch of Asian girls and their dates on the dance floor. We realized that this was probably a cheaper-than-most club night for the area. I couldn't help but think of "The Da Vinci Code", another artless and inaccurate consumer product.
Disneyland or the Magic Castle: that's the way to go.
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by Marty Barrett at Wednesday, February 15, 2006
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